Idiot in Love
by strangertrack
Summary: Yamazaki confesses to Hijikata. As expected, it does not go well.


Rewatching Gintama and in a very Yamazaki mood. What's with the lack of Yamazaki fics?

**Idiot in Love**

**(aka there's nothing purer than a schoolgirl's first crush... except the love of a complete idiot)  
**

His fellow Shinsengumi members told him that his obsession with badminton would get him killed one day. They were wrong. It was his love of Hijikata that would kill him.

"Hijikata-fukuchou! I like you!"

Complete silence. Then the _shick_ of a sword being unsheathed.

"Ya-ma-za-ki. Come here and try saying that again."

"Eh...well..." In retrospect, maybe it wasn't the smartest thing to shout out his love for his quick-tempered superior across the crowded dining hall.

"Hey everyone. It's the birth of the Yamazaki-Hijikata pair." That was Okita on his megaphone. "Let's all congratulate the happy couple. Pachi pachi."

"Sougo, temeee."

Okita deftly dodged and hopped back out of the katana's reach. "Now now Hijikata-san. Instead of playing with me, you should go play with Yamazaki. A good wife doesn't keep the husband waiting."

"Who's the wife, bastard?"

"Wah, so scary," Okita deadpanned as he ran in circles around the room, Hijikata hot on his heels.

"Love between two guys... Toshi, I never knew..."

"What are you saying, Kondou-san? And what are you turning all red for?"

Kondou averted his eyes and scratched his cheek. "Toshi, you and Yamazaki can take tomorrow off, so go enjoy yourselves tonight."

"Hey, aren't you misunderstanding something? There's nothing going on."

"Love can really overcome all obstacles, can't it? Even if one side of a mayora and the other a jimi... or if one side is a gori and another a goddess. Love is really mysterious like that, isn't it? OTAE-SAN!"

"Hey, isn't anyone listening? Oi! OIIII!"

"Hijikata-san, please be at ease. If you become pregnant and fat with swollen ankles, I'll take over your vice commandership."

"Sougo... you..."

"And if Hijikata-san happened to be accidentally bazookaed to death by friendly fire, I'd raise the child as my own."

"Who would feel at ease with a big sadist like you raising my kid? There's a 110 percent chance that you're the one who killed me."

"Don't worry, fukuchou! I won't let Okita-taichou corrupt our love child!" Yamazaki vowed.

"YA-MA-ZA-KI! This is all YOUR fault! PREPARE TO DIE!"

"EH? EHHHH?"

It was another typical evening at Shinsengumi headquarters.

xxxxx

Yamazaki sighed forlornly. His attempt at confession had ended in a standard beating. "Maybe the direct approach was a mistake."

"No, you need to be direct with someone as dense as Hijikata-san or else he won't get it."

Yamazaki jumped. "Okita-taichou, you scared me!"

"Sorry." Okita smiled. "Mind if I join you?"

"N-no, go ahead."

Okita sat down primly, the folds of his hakama billowing gracefully around him. With his sharp eyes and intense samurai aura, he was everything that Yamazaki was not.

"I think your mistake was that you weren't aggressive enough," Okita said conversationally.

"Not aggressive enough?" Yamazaki echoed.

"Yes. You think you can get someone as stubborn as Hijikata-san to accept you with a simple confession? How naive."

"Then what should I do, sensei?"

"If you want something in life, you have to take it by force. Ambush him when he's alone, get him off his guard, push him down, tie him up, and-"

"Okita-taichou! That's a crime! And aside from that..." Yamazaki blinked in bewilderment, "what are you doing?"

"Weren't you listening?" Okita beamed, giving a sharp tug at the bindings that now completely restrained Yamazaki. "I'm taking what I want by force."

"W-w-w-w-w-wait a minute!"

"Ne, Yamazaki. It's fun to tease Hijikata, but a M like you suits an S like me better."

Crap! How could he have been so careless? His poor virginity was in imminent danger!

_Kami-samaBuddha-samaElizabeth-samaSorachi-samaProducer-samaOki-oh wait he's the culprit SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE MEEEEEE!_

"Sougo... what do you think you're doing?"

"Che."

Okita scowled briefly before putting on a fake smile and turning to face the intruder. "Maa, Hijikata-san, you ruined the surprise. I was wrapping your Christmas present."

"Christmas was five months ago."

"Hijikata-san's birthday."

"You got me a ticking bomb."

"Early Halloween."

"Hallo- who the hell gives a Yamazaki to a trick-or-treater? Take it back, take it back."

"...fukuchou..." _-weep-_

"You'll get kicked by a horse and die if you intefere with true love, Sougo," Kondou chided, popping up from behind Hijikata. "Be a good kid and come with me."

"Haaaai~!"

Hijikata watched the two pad off before turning back to untie Yamazaki. "You're an idiot, you know that, Yamazaki?"

"Yes, fukuchou."

"You should know better than to be alone with Sougo."

"Yes, fukuchou."

"And aside from that, that thing at dinner... are you a delicate-hearted schoolgirl embarking on her first love? If so, where's my love letter asking me to meet you under the sakura blossom to reply, you inexperienced bastard? Ah, I guess that's something you see only in a shoujo manga. Damn that Sougo, how did he tie this thing? Is he a boyscout?"

Awkward pause.

"Ah, don't get me wrong, Yamazaki. It's not like I have a secret stash of shoujo manga under the floorboards that I read after everyone goes to sleep. Ah, since it's two guys, this situation would be yaoi. Hold still, I'm gonna cut this thing."

"Yes, fukuchou."

Yamazaki bowed his head and rubbed his freed wrists as the last of the bindings were removed.

"But seriously! What kind of idiot do you have to be... in front of everyone... saying you... like me...?" Hijikata trailed off in an almost inaudible mumble.

"Yes, fukuchou," Yamazaki sniffled.

"Stupid, don't cry."

There was a none-too-gentle smack on the head, followed by...

Yamazaki jerked his head up.

"Fukuchou? Did you just...?"

The man known as the demonic vice commander did not blush. So it must have been a bad sunburn that colored his face as he lit a cigarette.

"Idiot. Don't get so excited."

"But you kissed me!"

"No, I didn't."

"You did!"

"No, I hit your head with my lips, that's all," Hijikata argued.

"You kissed me! You did! There was a definite 'chuu' sound!"

"That was... I thought I saw some mayonnaise on your head."

"Hijikata-fukuchou!"

Yamazaki leapt and ate floorboard when the object of his affection jumped out of the way.

"What are you trying to do, Yamazaki?" Hijikata brandished his sword in front of him. "I'll cut you."

"Mayonnaise is disgusting and evil, but if that's what it takes, I'll glob it all over me. I'll bathe in it if I have to!"

"Who's asking you to do that?"

"For fukuchou, I'll do anything!" Yamazaki threw himself on his knees and clapped his palms together. "So please, be my wife!"

"...who'll be your wife, HUUUH? I'll show you who the real wife in this relationship is, badminton-yaro."

"W-wait a second, fukuchou! What are you going to do with that? Wait, wa-AAAHHHHHHHH!"

Yes, it was Yamazaki's love of Hijikata that would kill him.

xxxxx

**The End.**

xxxxx**  
**

September 28, 2008


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